Things my mother and father thought were good ideas:

THE SUNLAMP: (A LITTLE HISTORY FIRST)

A large ultraviolet lamp manufactured by General Electric in the 1930s, becoming very popular in the 1950s and thought to be beneficial in boosting the immune system after scientists discovered in the early 20th century that some diseases, especially rickets (inadequate calcification because of a lack of vitamin D, causing softening and distortion of the bones) could be cured through exposure to sunlight. Thus, a lamp was developed to help those who lived in areas that lacked sunlight during the winters. The victims wore small plastic goggles and wrapped his or her hair up in a towel. Many stripped down to their undergarments to expose more flesh and participated in group "light therapy." No one discussed the DNA damage that might occur in skin cells. Regardless, science became fashion when, sometime in the 1920s, clothing designer Coco Chanel sustained a sunburn while vacationing on the French Riviera. By the time she returned to Paris, her skin had turned into a lovely brown tan. Parisians were already enamored by Josephine Baker, the popular American singer who escaped the brutal discrimination against blacks in the U.S. to perform in the more welcoming clubs of Paris. Baker's caramel-colored skin was admired and became a trend, so after Chanel paved the way with her own golden-brown skin, tanning became a fashion statement for the wealthy who had the leisure to bask on the back of yachts and at seaside resorts. By 1950, no self-respecting bathing beauty would be caught dead in a swimsuit with lily-white legs. And yet, women of color already possessed the color that white women strived to acquire from UV rays. But the societal rule was that one had to be white prior to tanning. Ironically, f you were too white you must strive to look brown before you could wear a swimsuit or sundress; on the other hand, if you were BORN brown, your skin marked you for discrimination. The concept defies logic, but so does bigotry.

MY MEMORY OF THE SUNLAMP: Fashion is rarely based on logic, however, and sometimes neither is our approach to staying healthy. In the 50s, white women (and some men) of all ages and sizes parked themselves under UV lamps or in their back yards as soon as the sun peeked out to brown up their freckles, cellulite, acne, eczema, age spots, and/or otherwise perfectly healthy frothy pale skin before hitting the pool, backyard barbeque party, or beach. My mother, still caught up in youthful vanity, bought a lamp to sear herself every spring before we packed up the Chevy for our annual drive down to Clearwater Beach, Florida.

Because I was a pale child, and especially during the winter caught colds easily and developed dark circles under my eyes, my mother had me stretch out on her bed, wrapped my hair up in a towel, and put goggles on my eyes to bath in the warmth of those UV rays for ten minutes a day. I was no more than six or seven years old and looked like I weighed about ten pounds. She believed the artificial "sunlight" would help protect my pale, scrawny little being against catching colds. When the summer sun finally came out, Dad encouraged me to go out to the patio and sunbathe. The browner I got, the healthier my parents believed I was. "Brown as a little berry!" my father would beam. Yes, indeedy! The truth was I was nothing more than a browner underweight, sickly kid little kid who continued to catch any cold, flu, or childhood illness within a hundred feet of me. By the way, my mother is not entirely to blame for the current state of my skin. I was born with what I call "milk bottle" white skin and always envied beautiful skin in all the various shades it comes in. Well into my late 20s I did my best to turn my whiteness into some kind of color. As a result, I now sport a bunch of scars on my legs and arms where squamous cell cancer has been removed. The large scar that runs down the side of my arm and hooks into my right armpit is where the melanoma was removed when I was 29. Fortunately, I fell into the 30 per cent of people who survived a melanoma that had grown that deeply into tissue.

It has taken me nearly all my life to realize that there was nothing wrong with how I came into the world or how I looked and the inordinate amount of time I spent in an attempt to change a product that was already just fine could have been spent getting a PhD. in literature. And yet, that was not meant to be and my journey has been incredibly interesting even without the degree.

STAY TUNED FOR: DRINK YOUR DAMNED MILK!! WE HAVE ADDED CHOCOLATE AND DDT TO IT TO MAKE IT TASTE BETTER.